Sleepless in Budapest... not a good thing

8/24 (This is the blog I wrote throughout yesterday but didn't post)


Quite a bit of an attitude change since the last post, but this roller coaster is far from over. Last night, going to the welcome dinner with everyone, was great. Then I got back here and went to bed around 11, and woke up at 3 again, completely unable to get back to sleep. At this point my mind and emotions are seriously affected by the lack of sleep, and I find myself devising ways to get home—do I leave now, or this weekend, or next weekend... what do I tell people here, what do I tell my family, what do I tell everyone who is supporting me back home... After another shower, breakfast, and the first session, I am feeling slightly better. I am not a quitter, but I feel like I can’t do this. I am missing so much at home, and I miss my family so much already. It really sucks. 5 months is a long time. Sigh. One of the questions during introductions was “Why Hungary?” and I could only say that I am still asking myself that. Yes, I wanted a change, and I wanted to teach, but why the hell am I 7,000 miles from everything I know and love? Why didn’t I think about that? Why did I let myself be spontaneous this one time, over something this absolutely insane? I know nothing about Hungary, the language, the schools, and I really don’t know that much about geography. I just don’t know. Trying to find the positive side of things is getting harder and harder. Okay, so after methodology and Hungarian class I am even more overwhelmed and yet somehow a bit more curious. But I am not convinced I am supposed to be here. Even the guys I went to lunch with asked if I wanted to go home already.

So perhaps coming to the most pessimistic country in Europe to work on my optimism and attitude towards life was probably a crappy idea. Seriously. I thought I was a realist, but the book said I am a moderate pessimist—it pretty much sounds like Hungarians are extremist pessimists.

I spent another beautiful night walking around the city—up to the liberty/freedom statue at the top of Gellért Hill, picnicking and watching the lights turn on in the city, and then down the other side and back to the hostel. I got some great photos.

I don’t hate Budapest. I don’t hate the program. I can’t hate the school or the town because I haven’t been there yet. I think I am not comfortable with the idea of it all, and I definitely hate the lack of sleep and how I feel. Hoping to go to sleep soon and help get rid of that. It’s not a good feeling. As evidenced by my earlier outbursts. So, I am finishing out the week at least. Get to Pápa, see what it has to offer. Then maybe consider my options. Sleep is going to be good tonight. I can feel it. Definitely nodding off now.